Confronting your dark side: the law of human nature
There is one book that I gifted and recommended about a hundred times. It captures the essence of behaviours and psychological drives that govern human actions allowing readers to understand themselves and others on a deeper level. I am talking about Robert Greene’s The Laws of Human Nature. It’s one of those rare reads that makes you stop mid-sentence, put the book down and go out for a walk just to contemplate it. It does mean that reading it takes ages (I started in 2018 and am currently at page 415…) but it’s meant to be a journey!
One of the chapters touches the topic of our dark side and reading through it got me thinking about how much of our inner turmoil stems from hiding parts of ourselves we don’t want the world - or even ourselves - to see. Is it possible to take those so-called flaws and turn them into strengths? The more I thought about it, the more I realised how this aligns with principles in psychology. So, here’s my take on how embracing our inner shadows can transform not just our understanding of ourselves but also how we deal with others.
Why Repressing Your Dark Side Backfires
Have you ever been caught off guard by your own emotions? Maybe you’ve lashed out unexpectedly or been overwhelmed by envy or anger that seemed to come out of nowhere. According to Greene - and psychologists like Carl Jung - this happens because we repress our shadow selves. These are the parts of us we find too shameful, angry or selfish to acknowledge.
Jung believed that the more we suppress these traits, the more likely they are to bubble up in destructive ways. Take the classic nice person syndrome. People who avoid conflict or negative emotions in an attempt to keep the peace often end up with unresolved frustrations that explode at the worst times. Sounds familiar?
Psychology backs this up. Studies on emotional suppression show that burying feelings can lead to chronic stress and even physical health issues. Greene’s message is clear: the key isn’t to banish these feelings—it’s to understand and integrate them.
Owning Your Shadow: A Path to Authenticity
Here’s where things get exciting. What if I told you that your envy, anger, or fear could become sources of power? That’s exactly what Greene proposes. By acknowledging these emotions instead of denying them, we can channel their energy in constructive ways.
For example: think about envy. It’s uncomfortable, sure, but it’s also incredibly revealing. That twinge of jealousy when someone gets a promotion you wanted? It’s a signpost pointing to what you value and aspire to. Instead of wallowing in resentment, use it as fuel to level up your own skills.
Psychologist Nathaniel Branden calls this radical self-acceptance. By embracing all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad and the ugly, we become more grounded and authentic. And authenticity, as countless studies have shown, is key to building stronger relationships and a deeper sense of self-worth.
The Art of Strategic Confrontation
One of my favourite takeaways from Greene’s chapter is the idea that conflict is inevitable; and that’s not a bad thing. Instead of fearing confrontation, we should see it as an opportunity to grow and connect.
Psychology offers some great tools here. Research by John Gottman on how couples manage conflict reveals a golden rule: it’s not the presence of conflict but how you handle it that makes or breaks a relationship. Greene’s concept of strategic confrontation builds on this idea. He suggests that instead of reacting emotionally, we should approach conflicts with detachment and strategy.
Imagine you’re upset with a colleague who keeps missing deadlines. Instead of snapping in the heat of the moment, wait for a calmer time to discuss the issue. Use “I” statements to express your feelings: I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed because it affects my work rather than accusatory language. This not only reduces defensiveness but also opens the door to solutions.
Turning Conflict Into Growth
One of the most empowering parts of Greene’s philosophy is his reframe of opposition as opportunity. When someone challenges you or criticises you, it’s easy to get defensive or discouraged. But what if you saw them as a catalyst for growth instead?
Psychologists talk about this in terms of post-traumatic growth, the idea that adversity can lead to profound personal development. Greene’s take is similar. He claims that enemies and critics reveal our weaknesses, forcing us to confront and overcome them. Instead of resenting these moments, embrace them. They’re pushing you to evolve.
Practical Tips for Embracing Your Shadow
So how do you actually do this? Here are a few tips inspired by Greene and psychology:
Identify Your Triggers: Pay attention to situations that make you angry, envious or uncomfortable. These emotions are clues to deeper truths about yourself.
Reframe Negative Emotions: Instead of seeing anger or envy as bad, view them as energy to be redirected. Channel anger into creative projects or use envy to identify goals you’re passionate about.
Approach Conflict Strategically: Practice emotional detachment. Take a step back, assess the situation and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
Embrace Radical Self-Acceptance: Borrow a page from Nathaniel Branden’s book and accept every part of yourself. You can’t grow if you’re at war with who you are.
The Ultimate Takeaway
Reading this chapter felt like unlocking a new way of seeing myself and the world. Greene’s message, supported by psychological insights, is simple but powerful: your dark side isn’t your enemy. It’s a part of you; and when you embrace it, you gain the power to transform yourself and your relationships.
So the next time you feel a surge of anger, envy or frustration, don’t push it away. Instead, lean into it. Ask yourself what it’s trying to teach you. Because in the depths of your shadow lies the key to your greatest strengths.
