How women undermine themselves through communication
I have spent the past two decades building a career in a male-dominated industry. Oftentimes as the only female and foreigner of the leadership team. Throughout this journey, I have hired, trained and managed numerous women at various stages of their professional development. Despite their intelligence, competence and ambition, I have observed a worrying and completely unnecessary trait in both junior and accomplished female employees: an unconscious tendency to diminish their own authority through the way they communicate.
In professional settings, our communication style significantly influences how we are perceived. Women, in particular, often use speech patterns that unintentionally diminish their authority and credibility. Phrases like:
"I just wanted to ask...",
"I have a little question...",
"This might be a stupid question, but..."
subtly downplay their confidence and expertise. Over-apologising, hedging and diminishing statements have profound psychological and neurological underpinnings that impact how women are perceived in business situations.
The Neuroscience Behind Speech and Confidence
Our brains are wired for social interaction and communication plays a crucial role in how we establish status and authority. Studies in neuroscience suggest that confidence is closely linked to the brain's reward system. When individuals speak assertively, the brain releases dopamine, reinforcing a sense of self-assurance. However, when speech is peppered with apologetic or diminishing language, the brain may interpret this as a sign of lower social status, triggering stress responses rather than confidence-boosting rewards.
Research also suggests that language and thought are deeply intertwined. The Sapir-Whorf hypothesis posits that the way we use language shapes our perceptions of reality. When women consistently frame their contributions as tentative or apologetic, they reinforce internal beliefs of inferiority: not just to themselves but also to those around them.
The Psychological Impact of Undermining Speech Patterns
From a psychological standpoint, these communication habits often stem from social conditioning. Many women are taught from a young age to be accommodating, polite and non-confrontational. This socialisation results in habitual speech patterns that prioritise harmony over assertiveness.
Additionally, imposter syndrome: the internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evident competence, can drive the need to soften statements. Women experiencing imposter syndrome often use hedging phrases to protect themselves from potential criticism, even when they are fully qualified to voice their opinions confidently.
Furthermore, research in self-perception theory suggests that people form beliefs about themselves based on their own behavior. If a woman consistently prefaces her statements with "This might be a stupid question, but...", she reinforces the belief that her ideas are less valuable. Over time, this can lead to diminished self-confidence and reduced willingness to take risks or assert opinions in high-stakes discussions.
The Impact on How Others Perceive Women in the Workplace
The way individuals communicate strongly influences their perceived competence and authority. Research in organisational psychology has found that people who use tentative language are often viewed as less competent, even when their ideas are just as valid as those expressed more assertively.
A 2015 study by the Harvard Business Review found that women who used hedging language or excessive apologies in meetings were less likely to be perceived as leadership material. This is because indirect communication signals uncertainty, leading colleagues and superiors to question their confidence and expertise.
Moreover, over-apologising can create an imbalance in professional dynamics. When a woman frequently says "Sorry to bother you..." or "I hate to take up your time, but...", it inadvertently signals that her presence or contributions are an inconvenience. This can lead to colleagues unconsciously undervaluing her input and diminishing her influence in decision-making processes.
How Women Can Shift Their Communication for Greater Impact
The good news is that with awareness and practice, these speech habits can be adjusted to project greater confidence and authority. Here are a few key strategies:
Eliminate minimising language – Instead of saying "I just wanted to check...", say "I want to check...". Removing qualifiers strengthens the impact of the message.
Stop with the ‘sorry’ – Apologising should be reserved for actual mistakes. Replace "Sorry for the delay" with "Thank you for your patience."
Ask questions with confidence – Replace "I have a stupid question" with "I have a question." Every question has value; framing it with self-doubt undermines its importance.
Practice assertive phrasing – Statements like "I think" or "I feel like" can be replaced with "I am confident that..." or "The data suggests...".
Use a stronger tone and body language – Neuroscience shows that posture, voice modulation and eye contact significantly influence how confidence is perceived. A strong posture and steady voice signal competence and credibility.
Language is a powerful tool that shapes both self-perception and external perceptions. Women in professional settings can benefit from being mindful of how their communication habits impact their authority, confidence and leadership potential. By eliminating undermining speech patterns and adopting a more assertive style, women can ensure their voices are heard and valued in the workplace.
The shift starts with awareness - but the impact can be transformational, not only on an individual level but in changing workplace culture toward greater equity and respect.
Tired of being overlooked for promotions or not being taken seriously? Reach out and let’s work on the way you communicate in the business setting. Let’s get you that dream leadership role you deserve!
